Light hearted joke section to bring a smile

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kevandali
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Joined: Thu Mar 05, 2009 3:35 pm

Light hearted joke section to bring a smile

Post by kevandali »

Came across this info on the internet, thought it might make someone smile?

A colostomy bag isn't just practical; it's versatile and full of fun too. When it's empty. When it's actually full it's not full of fun at all. There's simply no end of other practical uses or engineered moments of hilarity you can get from your little bag:

* supermodels can spend considerable time and effort finding a toilet cubicle into which they can hide and purge following accidental swallowing of grape skin and that's time that someone thinner and more coked-up can stagger on fleshless legs into the line of sight of a designer and be awarded an assignment. A colostomy bag means that purging can take place anywhere. That's money in the bank!,
* the Harry Potter franchise and Peter Jackson's editing mean that movies are increasing in length all the time; films averaged 66 minutes during the second world war but now that figure is pushing 4.6 hours (figures derived by rolling 2d100). Long films and "small" beverage cups that double as Saturn V rocket stages lead inevitably to numerous toilet breaks that disrupt everyone else's enjoyment in the cinema and cause you to not hear the all-important plot point ... unless you're wearing your colostomy bag! Now you can go when you like, empty it on whoever you like (talkers and mobile phone users I'm looking at you), and still not miss a thing. Handy Tip: if anyone overhears your bag filling up during a movie and turns around with a quizzical expression simply say "isn't it amazing what Lucasfilm THX can do!?",
* police officers who like to inject some fun into their jobs can play hilarious practical jokes on the next set of drivers they stop and ask to take breathaliser tests,
* airline passengers who like to carry on board more than one piece of hand luggage's worth no longer have to resort to lubricating their back passages and praying to the physics God that air pressure changes don't trap permanently their additional items with a handy zip-fastening colostomy bag. Great for smugglers and terrorists too!,
* you'll never have to worry about unsafe sex ever again when you're wearing your colostomy bag. Functioning both as a mood-killer and a condom it caters for every occasion!,
* forever swallowing your car keys? Painful rectal experiences and post-toilet sieving will be a thing of the past when you're bagged up and ready to go!,
* be that one clown the kids will never forget to tell their psychoanalysts about when they grow up and learn to make colostomy bag-balloon dogs for parties,
* we all know that a magician's best friend is his palm; without it he'd never be able to pretend an endless of supply of eggs were coming out of his mouth and let's not forget that a wand only goes so far towards a happy finish. But why not stay one step ahead of the rest of the guild, prepack your bag with an assortment of foreign objects, give it a squeeze below line of sight, and regurgitate your way to magical success?,
* be the envy of nerddom at the next science fiction convention and wear a colostomy bag designed to look like Kuato from Total Recall,
* there's nothing worse than forgetting to stock up on treats at Halloween and having your door kicked in by angry, sugar-addled teens but with a colostomy bag as a friend you've got a source of extra special chocolate fudge close to hand at all times,
* save precious seconds when escaping from a capsizing cruise liner by throwing yourself straight into the sea and inflating your personal buoyancy bag through the power of terror farting. Handy Tip: if you're having trouble conjuring up the required wind try to remember that sharks just love a good sea disaster,
* transport goldfish safely in your colostomy bag and keep your hands free for warding off fish thieves.

And many, many more!



Greyhound lover
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Posts: 2
Joined: Fri May 01, 2009 3:48 pm
Location: Reading, Berkshire

Re: Light hearted joke section to bring a smile

Post by Greyhound lover »

Hey no more "bum" jokes . . .



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JetWhite
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Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2011 6:35 pm
Location: Wiltshire

Some humour to raise a smile, I hope

Post by JetWhite »

Did Philip Fart?

What do you think?

Image

Image


..and he probably does all the time. What the heck, he's almost ninety,
and at that age why hold anything back :wink:

The expressions are priceless!

A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while.......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces .
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.


Jet

Currently on Asacol
Using Predfoam far too often
and various supplements etc.

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primus58
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Posts: 94
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 10:19 pm
Location: London

Re: Light hearted joke section to bring a smile

Post by primus58 »

Read these...

Coping with Colitis - It's not all bad...
viewtopic.php?f=26&t=5955

Coping with Colitis - Humour helps...
viewtopic.php?f=26&t=5970


Ulcerative Colitis... just add a pinch of Humour and you'll be fine!

I work for the Ministry of Justice, and am currently the Membership Co-Ordinator for my department's Disability Network... and I am also Union Disability Rep...

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Len in Kent
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Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Oct 30, 2008 4:30 pm

Re: Light hearted joke section to bring a smile

Post by Len in Kent »

Do Farts have lumps in? in that case....



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